Becoming Selene: Surviving High School

I’ll go ahead and say this is one post for now but it likely won’t be the only post on this topic. While I have graduated one child and have another with a countdown to graduation I still have an 8th grader. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that if you’ve raised one child, you’ve raised one child. New kid, new challenges! In other words, I’m still in the trenches seeking help.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my form with insight. There’s a lot of wisdom here, and multiple launching points for further dialogue. If you want to anonymously weigh in with comments or feedback to this post, visit the Becoming Selene story submission page here and just reference this post.

I asked parents about the issues they worried about before their child started high school that ended up being no big deal. Of course, your mileage may vary, but the replies were notable.

“Eating lunch alone. This didn’t happen often and if it did it wasn’t a big deal.”

I am super curious about this response. Is this a school where everyone sits in the cafeteria? If not, what type of setup leads to solo dining being no biggie? Whatever it is, more of that, please!

Multiple parents said their fears about drinking and “major” drugs did not materialize, although at least one acknowledged there’s a possibility that there is an issue and they just don’t know about it. And doesn’t that just encapsulate so much of what’s really tough about having kids in high school?

That leads us to the question of what were the major issues that parents felt unprepared to navigate:

“Getting cut from a sports team.”

Yes. We hold our breath when they’re trying out for plays and teams and such, don’t we? Handling their disappointment is difficult and can also be personally triggering, requiring that we parent ourselves for a bit.

This one resonated:

“I think the rate at which we stopped knowing so much of what goes on socially and even academically with our kids. We don’t see test scores and paper grades. We could be more sleuth-y and log into Google Classroom to get whatever details but we also know it’s the start of giving our kids independence and autonomy over their own outcomes.”

Finding that balance is really, really difficult and I have noticed there is a wide array of approaches parents take on this. Some are totally hands-off. Others are absolutely hands-on. Such variation cannot always be explained by issues such as neurodivergence, learning differences or other factors. Sometimes it’s about the parents’ comfort level with their child’s slide into autonomy.

When asked whether there was a specific grade parents found more challenging than others, one parent responded that because her son had not yet gone through puberty, 9th grade was tough. Ninth grade is kind of middle school but harder, because so many of those age differences play out in really obvious ways like height, body changes and love interests (or disinterest.)

Many parents mentioned the pressures of Junior year. It’s known as the last chance to bring up GPAs before applying to college and it’s also seen as the most important year as far as what colleges will be looking at. Plus, it’s when a lot of the tough courses fall.

One parent helpfully provided a rundown of the challenges at each level:

9th – “big new world, a lot to absorb, new friends”

10th – “parties, driving, social stuff really feels ‘sifted’ as friends settle; who’s a good influence, who isn’t, somehow just more worrying as kids mingle more with the older students so a lot of new names without faces and you realize that these barely-older teens are actually nearly adults so there’s just that sense that your kid’s choices feel more consequential”

11th – “academic pressure, testing, feeling the college thing soar to the top of the list of things to occupy everyone’s minds, dating, sex”

12th – “applications, breakups, self-worth doubts, fear of rejection from schools, reality that kids move on from here in a big way, a lot of future thinking while reminding oneself to be aware of and vested in today before they do move on; a lot of emotional balance work”

Yep. All that.

Finally, I asked whether the parents had tips that might ease the way for other parents just starting their kids’ high school journeys. We got some great replies and these two had a similar theme:

“We can’t mastermind our kid’s lives.”

“Your child will find their people and make a way for themselves!”

I am certain neither parent respondent would pretend that’s an easy thing to do, but yeah, it’s valid. Another parent puts a different spin on the same idea:

“Just know that while this is like a windy river with some rapids and some smoother bends, it’s moving. You can’t stop a river. You’re not the Hoover Dam. Kids are supposed to grow and change and they tend not to like the ‘don’t grow up’ messages.”

As for some practical advice?

“They won’t tell you things you absolutely should have been told so find your own way of letting them know you get that it’s part of their teenage years and mindset (to withhold from you) but that you hope they will give you a chance to ‘be cool’ if they do share.“

Just to reinforce that advice, I cannot stress enough how absolutely critical it is to be in regular dialogue with parents of other kids at your child’s school. Even if they aren’t in the same “friend group.”

Let’s end on a sweet note, shall we?

“(T)he little traditions you ‘used to do’ – don’t stop. Put out the Valentine’s candy, carve a pumpkin, remind them of their birthday or adoption story. My kids have needed me more emotionally in 11th and 12th than they did in 9th and 10th. They feel the changes that are happening and on the horizon in a huge way.”

As someone who has sent a child off to college, your family traditions will mold, change and adapt but starting with a foundation grounded in love, community and togetherness is always a good idea.