Becoming Selene: Mothering Your Own Inner Teen Girl
I wanted to write about relational and social aggression among tween and teen girls. So I sent out a survey, as I do, and crafted this post.
At the end of that post, I said, “The final question in my survey was: ‘For many mothers, watching relational aggression happen to their daughter, by their daughter or within groups of girls you know can be very triggering. How have you dealt with your own ‘inner teen girl’ while raising your child?’ Friends, the responses gutted me. Because I want to give them proper weight and consideration, that question will get a post of its own.”
This is that post.
Here we go.
There’s the sheer exhaustion of having lived through it and then having those feelings triggered again.
I have three daughters and in some way I feel I’ve been holding my breath for 10 years waiting for this stage to be officially over. Knowing it would be was a salve. But all three dealt with relational aggression/bullying at some point in their middle and high school years. It was gut-wrenching each time.
There’s the deep empathy that comes with having been in a similar, painful situation.
While this particular situation was happening to my daughter, I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep, I was ruminating on this situation all the time, and felt helpless in my ability to soothe her and help her understand this was not about her. My daughter’s natural disposition is happy and cheerful. I had never seen her like this. It definitely brought me back to how I felt under similar circumstances when I was in middle school. Feeling excluded is a particular brand of hell that has no equal and you never forget it. I knew how she was feeling and I would have done anything to take that pain away from her.
I vacillated between being kind/in a popular group and kind/being a loner. I didn’t take aggression from others, but could be an introvert that struggled to be proactive in making friends. I dodged “mean girl” popular groups not only out of fear of aggression, but also fear that I wouldn’t be accepted, anyway.
But then, there’s hope! Maybe they have learned to “girl” better than we did?
This has honestly been one of the hardest parts. I feel things deeply on my daughter’s behalf, sometimes more deeply than she does herself. There have been moments when I’ve felt protective, angry, or outraged, only to watch my daughter respond with far more grace than I expected. One example that stands out is when a friend betrayed her trust around a boy she liked. I was furious; she was hurt, but also compassionate and forgiving, aware that her friend was struggling in her own life.
I try to get my daughters not to judge others/exclude others. I wasn’t mean but when I was a teen, I thought I was better/more popular than a group of girls. So I wasn’t part of their friend group – and as a look back I can now say that I was the one that isolated myself and those girls have a great friendship that has withstood 20+ years.
I want my daughters to be more social than I was (I was a bit of a nerd) so I try to encourage them to weather the storm when there is drama within the friend group, rather than being isolated. But it doesn’t mean I accept bad behavior or want my girls treated poorly.
There’s the nagging fear that we are adding to our child’s pain.
I am not the most socially adept, and I am constantly worried that, as far as relationships with the other parents, I am “doing it wrong” and making it harder for her. I’m trying right now not to overdo my interactions and just “be normal.”’ I have more anxiety around anything social that could affect her.
And there’s this. I love this. And aspire to it:
That moment forced me to confront my own unresolved teenage feelings and to step back so I didn’t project them onto her experience. I’ve learned to pause, listen more than react, and let her lead with her own emotional instincts. In many ways, she has taught me how to be more forgiving, more measured, and more generous than my inner teen girl might naturally be.
Thanks so much to the mothers who shared.
