Becoming Selene: Perceived Power and Real Exclusion in Teen Girl Friendships
My two girls, a friend of theirs, my husband and I were chatting over dinner the other night. The four of us who have lived our lives in female bodies were dishing about some mean girl behavior one of us had recently experienced. My husband asked, “How do you know she was being mean? Do girls like this do this stuff on purpose? This thing you call relational aggression? Like, do they plot it out in their mind?”
It was an interesting moment because the four XXs all kind of looked at one another. We didn’t have a verbal way to explain what was happening. It was something we all just felt in our bones. Sure, the behavior didn’t objectively look terrible from the outside. Mildly rude, but not horrible. But contextually, it was classic mean girl relational aggression. It was a clear attempt to define boundaries over who is included and who gets excluded.
It was also a thing that the XY at our dinner table could not comprehend. Which means there is a whole other post that needs to be written about the emotional labor that goes into relational navigation that’s both subtle and highly contextual. But that’s for another day.
Today, we’re going to share what readers had to say about relational aggression among girls. But before we dive into all that I want to make something explicit. Much of what we experience as relational aggression is both incredibly hurtful and also extremely subtle. Which means that you can sound like a crazy person when you try to describe your feelings and experiences to others. Ask anyone who has experienced microaggressive behavior of any sort and they will likely confirm that the chances of you being told you are overreacting and/or paranoid are high when you’re dealing with relational aggression.
The thing to remember, though, is that for teenagers who are individuating from their families, peer relationships are everything. And belonging to a pack, to borrow from the animal kingdom, is the safest way to maintain relationships. A corollary to that is that the most efficient way to define who is included is by excluding others. The enforcement of those exclusionary walls ranges from the silly to the devastating.
I asked readers if their daughters had been excluded from a group. Every respondent had something to offer.
“My daughter was a part of a large friend group of sweet, kind girls. They had been close since 2nd grade. Last year, when they were in 5th grade, a girl new to the school caused considerable harm to this friend group. The girl, a dancer who frequently traveled for competitive dance competitions, was ruthless in who she felt was deserving of her attention and who wasn’t. Several girls from the once tight group were deemed ‘too big’ and were excluded, my daughter among them. Her old friends felt pressure to exclude her and others or face being excluded themselves. It seemed all the girls but the new girl became socially anxious and self-conscious.“
Wow. This reflection brings to mind the Lisa Damour quote I shared in my survey: “Researchers who study peer relationships have found that there are actually two different kinds of peer popularity. Sociometric popularity is the term used to describe well-liked teens with reputations for being kind and fun, while perceived popularity describes teens who hold a lot of social power but are disliked by many classmates.” That this girl’s social power was wielded against the appearance and body shape of the others brings up so many frightening potential consequences, including disordered eating and exercise.
In fact, the parent goes on to say:
“Eventually, many of the girls started eating only what the new girl ate for lunch each day: a bit of rice and a small apple. By spring, many girls were engaging in disordered eating. Two ended up with diagnosed eating disorders. One is still in active recovery/counseling after a 20 lb weight loss. The families of the girls in this group, the school administration, and the counseling team had to become actively involved in correcting this problem. All because of the influence of *one* girl.”
You guys. I’m telling you, the “power” may be subtle but it is so very real.
Okay, so say you’re “in.” You’ve got the security of a friend group. What happens if you violate the spoken or unspoken norms of said group? Just like any entity that strives for cohesion, there are consequences, as this parent explains:
“My daughter was excluded/ghosted from her friend group for a few months. My daughter made a mistake by choosing to go out with other friends rather than her group (like ditching them). I spoke with my daughter and told her what she did was wrong, she acknowledged that and apologized to her friends within a day or 2. They continued to exclude her for a few months. It was tough.”
Here’s what you might think of as the other side of that coin:
“(My daughter) is actually in a friend group that is very accepting of others. And they often accept those who have been discarded from their other groups. However, one particular girl kicked out of a few groups, new to the my daughter’s group was exhibiting mean girl behavior, and saying bad things about the group members and so they kicked her out. It was tough to navigate as a parent because I was glad they stood up for their own group values but didn’t like how much emphasis/drama was being placed on her being kicked out.”
Just as a reminder, these kids are navigating this stuff on top of school, extracurriculars, sports and family responsibilities.
Some of the behavior that hurts our girls isn’t mean girl behavior, per se, but it can still bite. Here’s a great example:
“My daughter hasn’t been intentionally excluded in a way meant to hurt her, but she has experienced situations where she wasn’t included (sleepovers, small gatherings, or plans with limited space). Those moments can still sting, and we don’t dismiss that. We talk a lot about the difference between exclusion as a weapon and exclusion as a reality. Not every invitation can include everyone, and learning to sit with that disappointment without assuming rejection has been one of the hardest but most important lessons at this age.”
The same parent goes on:
“We also wrestle with this from the other side. There are moments when my daughter can’t include everyone… not out of unkindness, but because of real constraints. Navigating how to be honest without being hurtful, and how to protect others’ feelings without being responsible for them, is something we’re actively working through.”
That last bit? About not being responsible for others’ feelings? Legit challenging. Filing it away for future discussion.
The parent goes on in a way that really nails the challenges of negotiating social lives for girls:
“(O)ne of the hardest social questions we’ve been navigating isn’t about exclusion we control, but exclusion we witness. There are times when my daughter is invited into something by someone else, and not everyone in her broader friend group is included. We struggle with what loyalty looks like in those moments. Is it kinder to say nothing and avoid calling attention to a hurtful omission, or is silence its own form of dishonesty? Is it more hurtful to name the exclusion, or to let someone discover it indirectly? And is it disloyal to attend, or disloyal to withdraw? I don’t have a clean answer, but these situations don’t feel like mean girl behavior… they feel like the complicated reality of limited space, uneven relationships, and imperfect communication. It’s made me more aware that the line between relational aggression and relational complexity isn’t always clear for girls, or the adults raising them.”
Amen to that last line. The parent doesn’t mention it, but I will — the presence of social media makes what she describes even thornier. Back in the 80s if you weren’t included you eventually knew. But it didn’t get blasted into everyone’s socials all weekend long.
The final question in my survey was: “For many mothers, watching relational aggression happen to their daughter, by their daughter or within groups of girls you know can be very triggering. How have you dealt with your own ‘inner teen girl’ while raising your child?” Friends, the responses gutted me. Because I want to give them proper weight and consideration, that question will get a post of its own.
Stay tuned.
