Becoming Selene: On the Cleaning of the Rooms

It’s kind of a trope, right? The whole “messy teen room” thing? If you’re a comic page reader like I am — and yes, we still get a paper newspaper everyday — you might be familiar with “Zits.” Zits features a family of three, with typical teen Jeremy’s typical teen-ness being the hook. The state of Jeremy’s room is a frequent punch line of the strip.

I asked readers and people on my socials to weigh in on how they parent around room cleaning. We got some great feedback.

On Whether You Require Them to Keep Their Room Clean

As expected, there were a variety of responses, ranging from giving kids full dominion over their space to using it as a metric for privileges.

Here’s one mom who was generally lenient but required certain standards to be met when they wanted to go out:

“(I) did not require my two boys to make beds daily nor keep room tidy. (I) closed doors and didn’t look in. BUT, if they had plans to go out anywhere on Friday nights then the room had to be reasonably picked up. I was especially on them to put away the CLEAN clothes I had delivered to their rooms.”

Laundry came up again and again:

“they are expected to put clothes away”

“Biggest issues are: 1) too much clothing combined with an unwillingness to do a thorough job of going through things to get rid of what doesn’t fit or get worn and 2) not putting away clothing they’ve washed. They “do” their own laundry but putting it away seems to be the step they won’t take.”

“Laundry has to be put away. Room has to be organized but I let them decide what that means to them with my guidance.”

Some readers who let their kids manage their own space still noted a sense of ugh:

“I (s)hut the door. It was a struggle I was tired of fighting. When it gets out of control (i.e., I’m missing cups), we set expectations but otherwise it’s their space. They still have other household chores they must keep up with (including cleaning their shared bathroom) and so I learned to let their rooms go. Although it drives me crazy to see one of my kids’ rooms—bleh.”

“Their room their mess for the most part but when I walk in (or can’t get past the door) I may tell them to clean it up or if the odor gets bad!”

And some who take the “shut the door” approach still apply some guidelines:

“(I) shut the door to the messiness. Require glasses, water bottles (there are so many!), and any dirty dishes be brought to the kitchen the next time you leave the room to go to the bathroom or wherever.”

“We let our kids keep their rooms pretty much to how they wanted them and shut the door as needed. Stinky wet clothes were a no no, as was food left in the room.”

And one mom changes her standards:

“Generally matches my hormonal cycle lol”

On Setting Cleaning Schedules

I asked, “Do you have a set schedule for your tween, teen or young adult living at home to clean their room?”

Nearly 70% of the respondents said, “no,” while a quarter said they did hold their child to a schedule.

On Establishing Consequences for Unclean Rooms

I was surprised that a majority of respondents do levy some sort of consequence.

One reader said that they have a regular housekeeping service and if the kids’ rooms were to be too messy for the service to clean, “(T)hey’d have to pay me $20 which is what I estimate their room portion of our bi-weekly cleanings cost. This has never happened!”

Some penalties were straightforward:

“Take phone away, add additional common area chores.”

“They were not allowed to go out on Friday nights!”

Others seem to be more circumstantial:

“They can’t have certain privileges if their surrounds are a mess”

And one respondent has to get to a breaking point before she serves up a penalty:

“When we get to that desperate point yes. Usually it’s a ‘don’t ask for extra/gas money’ until it’s clean.”

On Requiring a Bed to be Made Up

I asked, “Is your tween, teen or young adult living at home required to make up his or her bed every day? Do you make up your bed every day?”

This respondent was short and sweet: “No and no.”

Others were hopeful they were setting an example for their kids:

“No but they see that we do, so hoping they eventually catch on.”

Multiple respondents make their own beds but don’t require it of their kids. One said things had changed in her house:

“Did require beds made when the boys were younger. Did not require it as tweens/teens.”

And, as usual, some people take an “it depends” approach:

“They are not required unless a friend is coming over and they might hang out there.”

On Whether You Hold All Your Kids to the Same Standards

I wondered whether people accommodated ages or temperaments.

“Same standards. One needs more reminders, one is generally more tidy/organized.”

Most respondents said they held their kids to the same standards with only one replying, “Varies.” I didn’t personally respond to my own survey but will throw in there that I am in the “it varies” camp as well.

On Cleaning Generally

I asked for any other thoughts on the matter and got some great replies.

There’s the parent with an eye toward the future:

“I struggle with this a lot as we are about to send one to college. My hope is that peer pressure of sharing a space will kick his habits into gear and the fact that our common spaces are always maintained at home and his room becomes his only space that he will care more than he does for his own room right now. I have faith since my sister growing up never cleaned her room. It was awful and now she actually holds some ridiculously high standards for her home and her children’s rooms. She’s totally swung the other way. At the very least, it gives me solace to know how their rooms are now doesn’t mean they will forever be this way.”

One parent questioned the value of bedmaking:

“I think that there is too much emphasis on bedmaking. In my opinion it is not the precursor of success of your day. Who cares if your bed is made or not unless someone else is going to see it?”

Whereas another parent took the exact opposite approach:

“If you make your bed first thing, you always start your day out having accomplished one thing.”

Parents spoke of natural consequences:

“I try to lean into natural consequences – which eventually paid off. My teen hadn’t done his laundry in a while, kept everything in piles on the floor, and then flew into a stressed panic attack because he couldn’t find his soccer kit when he needed it. He tried to blame everything but himself but I made it clear that it was a problem he had manufactured. The piles have shrunk since (but are not totally gone).”

And, as if to speak to that thing that we were all thinking … conflict! … this parent said:

“A friend of ours takes a hard stance re: his daughter’s room and they are always fighting about it. So much tension. I find it works for us that our daughter’s room is hers to keep neat. She can be a total mess but it is her mess, not mine, so 🤷🏻‍♀️. I don’t stress about it.”

Thanks to everyone who responded!