Becoming Selene Pop Quiz: Parenting Through College
It’s said that in adolescence, mothers transition from being the sun around which their children orbit to being the moon, always lingering nearby and casting a glowing light. In Greek mythology, Selene was the moon goddess, personified. This space exists to support mothers during the uniquely difficult transition to becoming Selene.
******
All of the decisions are in and the high school graduating Class of 2025 has proven itself to be massive. This “baby boom” continues an upward trend of college applications.
Even in the best of times, the college decision process is brutal. But this year, in addition to the unprecedented number of applications, confusion about the future of the Department of Education and federal student funding, threats by the Trump administration to withdraw funds to institutions who refuse to kowtow to Trump and tanking stock portfolios have made this season a veritable powder keg of stress.
Since I have a high school senior and have just endured this process — who am I kidding? We still haven’t put down a deposit yet! I’m still knee deep! — I wanted to see what advice, reflections and primal screams other parents would share.
As always, these are anonymous and anonymized.
Oh, and I also have a high school Junior.
Buckle up, buttercup!
On Making Sure They Are Well-Prepared for the College Application Journey
“Start earlier than you think (8th grade) to help plan out high school courses with the application process in mind. For example, some colleges use GPA to screen applications. If GPA is the gatekeeper, plan course selection to maximize the GPA accordingly.”
“Parents of students with disabilities: document IEP/504 accommodations your child uses during middle school and early high school to apply for accommodations on the SAT/ACT at least 9 months before the first test.”
“If your child needs accommodations for testing, make sure that you contact the office or counselor at her school freshman year. Do not wait.”
“If your child is going to do Early Decision, which is binding, the Junior year grades, and thus GPA, are the last ones to count. So maybe save the super hard class with the really tough teacher until Senior year? The same may apply for schools with rolling admissions and Early Action.”
“Many test prep companies offer free diagnostics to help you decide whether to take the ACT or SAT. Take advantage of these offers. Ask your school counselor whether they have relationships with tutoring companies to score a deal.”
“Tell your student to start thinking through who might write them a college recommendation. It’s super helpful if they can develop a relationship with a teacher so asking for that letter later is easier.”
On Developing a List of Schools to Consider
“Let the student choose where they’d like to apply, but also encourage them to consider a wide range of institutions — small private, small public, large public, large private, mid-range, directional, flagship, tiny, with Greek life, without, with big sports, without. Often, students (and parents) don’t know what is actually out there and what could turn out to be a good fit.”
“So much has changed about this process since I was in school, but also? The schools themselves have changed. Don’t let your preconception about what a school is like keep your child from researching it. You will likely be shocked to see what the higher ed landscape looks like now.”
“Start looking at schools early and start by figuring out what appeals to your child. Often they won’t know until they visit. Big campus? In a city? D1? Cold or warm climate? We ran out of time because there isn’t much time to visit during the school year when colleges are in session.”
“Stop and listen. Keep your opinions to yourself. Do not limit their choices because of your perceptions of the cost.”
“ChatGPT can be a great tool — especially if you have a student who is not interested in your opinion about colleges. Draft a description of what your child wants from a college experience, both academic and lifestyle, input her test scores and GPA, take note of extracurriculars and any honors, and ask ChatGPT to develop a safety / target / reach list. Definitely specify budget limitations and geographic limits. There may be a great opportunity you wouldn’t think of on your own.”
“If your child is focused on highly competitive schools, encourage them to balance their list, and in particular to apply to at least one early action school they like and are likely to get in to. That early yes — yes, I’m going to college! — is so important emotionally as they wait out the rest of the process.”
“Many private schools offer better financial aid than public institutions do, so investigate that before you dismiss those schools out of hand.”
“Even if your kid is a dreamer who wants to leave home and never return, encourage them to apply to at least one state school in your home state. If COVID taught us anything, it’s that the unexpected can happen.”
“Use resources such as Niche, YouTube College Tours, and college websites to help your child learn as much about schools as possible virtually.”
“Reddit is a great place to explore schools and the process. I learned so much there.”
“If time and resources allow, visit college campuses (ideally while college students are on campus) and take notes on what stood out during the visit to help personalize the essay or short answer questions.”
“My child acted like snow and cold weather were no big deal. Halfway through a (mostly outdoor) tour in freezing rain, my child looked at me and said they couldn’t take that kind of cold. As I’d thought, but they had to experience it for themselves!”
“One great tip I learned was for my student to find and follow on the socials a professor in a field of study he or she might want to pursue. You can learn a lot about opportunities and the general vibe of a place (or major) that way.”
“AI can be a really good tool to discover scholarships opportunities you’ve never heard of.”
On the Application Process Itself
“Let them drive the process and remember, it is primarily their journey, not yours (even if you are paying for it and think you know your child better than they know themselves!)”
“Even the most motivated, independent students will need parental support and guidance.”
“Have someone, who is not a family member, help your child with essay writing.”
“Make sure they know how important the essays are.”
“You and your child need to create brand new email addresses that are dedicated just to college applications. The amount of email communication (and complicated passwords that need to be created) is unbelievable.”
“Create a spreadsheet to keep track of what you learn about each college, application deadlines, links to important information, etc.”
“Use AI to find out whether or not the schools on your list consider ‘demonstrated interest.’ Some do, some don’t and it should impact the way you interact with the school and where your child spends her energy and limited time.”
“Think through holiday travel and activities with the application deadlines in mind. Maybe this isn’t the year to spend every single day of the holiday break abroad or at a resort with no WiFi? Those early January deadlines come at you fast.”
On Stress and Pressure
“I absolutely underestimated the extent of the pressure my kid felt through the process. I wasn’t seeing the pressure she felt from peers and from the school environment generally. Tread carefully.”
“Have patience, your son/daughter will end up where they are supposed to. It’s a long and tedious process but he/she will get there.”
“Talk to other parents who have recently ushered their child through the process. Lived experiences can be so informative.”
“None of it makes sense. My kids were super lucky and we have not had to manage too much disappointment, but it is a very overwhelming process. Start early!!”
“It can be absolutely panic-inducing when the Early Decision results start to roll out and their friends make their choices. There can absolutely be a sense that there’s no room left in the inn! Plan for that extra burst of stress in the fall.”
“My kid and her friends agreed not to talk about college with each other and just enjoy their last year of high school. That’s super healthy but it can also mean you don’t have a lot of information coming in.”
“Touch base with family members before holidays and events to remind them that your kid has not made a decision about next year and would prefer not to be interrogated about it.”
“It can be thorny to talk with other parents of kids going through the process. Talk with your child about what and how much they want you to disclose. That being said, get the support you need. Parents need a soft place to land, too.”
When the Results Come In
“Expect some unexpected twists. One of my children chose a school over another school that they had long thought they would attend. My other child committed to a school and then got off a waitlist in mid-May for another school, and pivoted. It can be a wild ride!”
“Our college counselors told us to really cherish the weeks between application due dates and decision days because it was the calm before the storm. And they were right!”
“My child was deferred from their first choice. They then worked for three months to fall in love with their second choice. Got the sign and the hoodie and everything. Then when they got into their top choice at regular decision they pulled the old sign out of the yard and wanted to have a bonfire (we did not – that sign was plastic!).”
“I had twins, both boys, applying to colleges with identical GPAs, same level of rigor / same HS program, same total ACT score…. essentially applying to the same schools, though different majors / fields of study. One of the big, competitive SEC schools that they were both admitted to, though it was only one child’s first choice, stated that all scholarships and honors come with the initial acceptance. Twin A, who dreamt of said school his whole life, accepted his offer within 24 hours. Twin B, who is holding out his final decision until May 1, has since received additional funds from said school. So the school didn’t actually mean what they said about all scholarships and honors come with initial offer! In hindsight, maybe everyone should wait until May 1. (Twin A, who had quickly committed, was later offered a significant scholarship from a school he declined!?) It is all madness.”
“My child wanted to wait to see where she was accepted to visit the campuses. That’s a great idea until the reality of the Senior spring semester crush sets it. Getting to Preview and Admitted Students days can be challenging and expensive. And exhausting.”
“If you’ve had one kid apply to college, you’ve had one kid apply to college. Each child is different, so don’t expect your second and third rounds to mirror your first.”
“So much about the process can change year to year. Reach out to knowledgable advisors as there is a lot of junk on the internet.”
“I heard somewhere that when the decisions come out, you should match your child’s level of emotion. This can be a challenge with students who play it close to the vest. But it’s good advice.”
On What Not to Do
“I tried to manipulate the process to my liking as a mom by emailing the admissions team at the university where I wanted our son to end up. Can you say helicopter?!!”
******
Helicopter? Maybe. But at least you’re self-aware enough to laugh at yourself now. I found myself behaving in ways I couldn’t have imagined years before. I tell people the college process is like having a baby — you can’t fully describe it to someone who hasn’t also lived it.
I’d love to hear from more of you about college, or anything, really. Please consider a submission on any topic, feeling or idea related to raising tweens through adults here.
