Becoming Selene: OUCH

Here’s the deal. We pour everything we have into creating and nurturing these small creatures. They hang on our every word and their eyes light up when they see us. Then they turn four and we hit “first adolescence.” They’re not babies, but not quite big kids. Even though they push away, by and large they still think we’re pretty cool.

It’s that second adolescence. The “adolescence adolescence” that bites. They’re individuating. Hard. And it becomes very personal. As psychologist Lisa Damour says, “Anything you do that is unlike how your kid sees themselves is annoying. Everything you do is annoying.”

Everything.

But just because we know it’s a normal, developmental process doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. I think it’s important to talk about that hurt. It’s good to tell your kids they hurt your feelings. (We don’t abandon our jobs of socializing them, after all, just because this is a normal, developmental process.) But it’s crucial to have supportive people in our lives with whom we can share these slings and arrows.

I opened up the Becoming Selene forms to stories about the zingers. Here’s what you all had to say.

A clear theme was, “I hate you.” Or some version of that. “F**k you.” I mean, ouch! How can that not hurt? One parent who got the f-bomb hurled at them had this to say about self-care:

“It’s very, very, very hard. You second guess everything you’ve ever done and feel guilty for every time you lost patience or yelled or micromanaged or didn’t handle something well. It’s hard to talk to other people because they may not understand. Or it seems their kids would never behave this way. There is a lot of shame and it’s easy to avoid people and situations and worry alone. People need to have someone to talk to without judgment. A friend or family member or therapist.”

I second every bit of that. Not to belabor the point, but the work of Lisa Damour has been so vital on my own parenting path. If you have girls then her Untangled is a must-read. When I get hit with the pangs of shame this reader talks about, it does help have an expert remind me this all part of the process.

Speaking of girls, one reader had this to say of her daughter, “Mainly she says things that let me know she does not think I am a good mother and that she does not want my lifestyle.” I was really struck by the “she does not want my lifestyle.” That is quintessential separation-individuation! Again, Damour from Untangled: “Girls often aim their most severe meanness at their mothers …” It’s a way of differentiating from us.

(Still hurts.)

Some kids will offload their fears, stresses or missteps onto their parents. I think that’s what was probably happening to this parent, whose child told them, “If you were better parents, I wouldn’t have failed in college. You should have made me get a job and learn how to drive when I was in high school.” How did that parent cope? After briefly defending herself, she walked away from the conversation. More long term, she said talking to other parents who have gone through what she’s going through and educating herself with parenting books was helpful.

For people co-parenting with an ex, the zingers can hit especially hard. One mom was trying to feed her vegetarian child. Mom is not vegetarian, so accommodating the child requires extra work. Anyway, mom was going through the freezer presenting options. Some were meals mom had pre-made. Others were from places like Trader Joe’s or Costco. The child remarked that at her other parent’s house, “We don’t eat from the freezer.” What did mom do? Well, in her mind, she said, “Yes, because your dad decided to leave his family, start over, have two incomes, two people to do things, and become a bit of a house-husband.” She wanted to scream. Instead, she just said, “Well, kiddo, there are two adults over there so it’s easier to make dinner.”

I’m kind of crying on the inside for her.

This won’t be the final post about tween/teen zingers and the pain they cause. Share yours here.