Becoming Selene Pop Quiz : When Friends Come Over

We recently completed (eh, kind of — still working through a punch list) a massive outdoor renovation that includes a spa, fire pit and pool. It’s too cold for the pool right now, but the spa has been in heavy rotation. Same with the fire pit. One of my kids asked if she could invite friends to enjoy the spa (friends including the opposite sex kind) and I said, “yes,” then spent the rest of the evening mulling over what additional boundaries I needed to have in place with our new outdoor setup.

This led me to query readers about what rules they have in place for their kids. I set up a “pop quiz” and asked a single question: “What kind of rules or boundaries do you set for your tweens, teens and/or adult children about having people over in your home?”

I got some terrific replies, many bringing up issues that had not entered my mind. I’ve sampled them below.

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A number of people mentioned boundaries around who can come over and under what conditions.

“No friends who we don’t know well and trust (we have an access list of who the trusted ones are) over if we’re not home.”

“Ours were not allowed to have opposite sex friends over when we were not home and definitely were not allowed to hang out in the bedroom.”

Another theme was around dangerous activities.

“No drinking or drugs of any kind by our kids or their friends at our house. However, if a friend has been drinking or using drugs they can come here if we’re home so we can assess their needs.”

“No violence of any kind. No weapons brought here.”

Many mentioned privacy expectations.

“No closed doors!”

“Doors are generally not closed, siblings are allowed to interact with friends who are here.”

“Bedroom doors stay open if it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.”

I was interested in the areas of the home that were considered off limits.

“We make clear any specific rules that apply to the guests/situation and advise parents will be called if those rules are broken (ex: don’t touch the liquor that is accessible in the basement, no swimming when adults aren’t home).”

“NO ONE in my bedroom.”

“No using the outdoor fire pit if we’re not home.”

And some parents set a curfew for visitors, separate from whatever curfew that child may have.

“If they aren’t staying the night, everyone out by 11pm!”

One commenter noted how having all girls impacted her family’s choices.

“Since we have all girls, we’ve made a conscious decision that it will never be just my husband at the house if the girls have a friend over. I know this probably seems strict but this is how we’ve raised our kids and their friends love them, so hopefully they appreciate the boundaries that have made their friends into who they are.”

More than one person mentioned issues of respect.

“Come in through the front door. Respect the house rules (curfew, drinking, etc). Clean up messes made. Nothing crazy. I want them here but I also want basic respect in our home.”

“We expect the same from guests as we do from our own children (13, 15, 18). Respect and kindness are paramount. When we feed them, we ask them to help clean up just like we do our own kids (they don’t do dishes, but they bring them to the sink and throw used items away).”

One person mentioned limiting social media use, and I will admit this isn’t something I had thought to articulate.

“We limit social media for our girls, so we ask that they remind their friends of that when they’re over and don’t include our girls in videos or posts on social media they don’t have access to (no TikTok).”

I was curious whether anyone would address the situation of an LGBTQ+ / nonbinary child or guest.

“We’ve had a few … situations with gay and nonbinary overnight guests which we handle one by one.”

Thanks to everyone for replying. There’s a lot here for me to consider.

Look for another Becoming Selene Pop Quiz soon and meanwhile, submit your reactions to this or a story of your own here.